Flying sustains me. When I walk away from my airplane after a flight, I have tremendous energy and feel ready to accomplish anything. Life makes sense and the world seems brighter, its colors more vivid. I’ve tried to prolong this euphoria, attempting to stretch it out over the week as weather or work ground me. But bills pile up, to-dos mount, and its luster always fades.
Over the last few years, I’ve begun to seek other experiences that have similar effects on me, ones that make me feel energized and powerful, the way flying does. What I’ve learned is this: some of the best sources of positive energy come from a select few people in my life. I call them Sustainers. Of course, the opposite types skirt the edges of my life as well: the Drainers. You probably have both types in your life also. What I’m pointing out may seem obvious, but how often do we stop to determine which people are true sustainers and who are soul-sucking drainers, and to what level? I bet many of us haven’t. Yet to be content, to live the lives we’re meant to lead, shouldn’t we have a firm grasp on these influencers who shape our days, weeks and years?
I’d never explored this concept with any depth until spending time separately with two friends on the same day enlightened me. The vast contrast in how I felt after my separate interactions called attention to how much others can affect my well-being.
After coffee with my first friend, I walked away confident in myself, feeling content about what I was trying to accomplish in life. The person sustained me. But after lunch with my second friend, after listening to complaints and negativity for a full hour, I’d been completely drained. I walked out dazed, looking for the license plate number of the eighteen-wheeler truck that had hit me. Something else hit me: the thought of why in the world do I hang around people like that? Did I feel a sense of obligation to this person because we’d known each other for so long? Did I have a subconscious need for drama in my life? No. I’d simply never thought about it long enough to notice this person always left me drained.
From that point on, I began to take responsibility for who I spent time with in my life. When I returned home, I opened my journal and drew a horizontal line with double arrows across the top of the page. I placed the word “Sustain” to the far left of the arrowed line and “Drain” to the far right. In the middle of the paper, I drew a vertical line down the center, my neutral line. For the next hour, I listed all the people I interacted with during my days and weeks, solely judging my experience with them on how I felt when the interaction ended. For someone who left me exhilarated, feeling good about myself, that person went to the far left. Anyone who left me de-energized or downright depressed, went to the far right. Some people fell directly on the neutral line or a hair to the left or right of it, while others landed neatly between the neutral line and the extremes. After that hour, I had a clear image of who sustained me versus who drained me. Guess which group I started spending more time with after that day? Beyond that, I had to figure out how to minimize my interactions with the opposite group.
Obviously, you will have difficulty removing all Drainers from your life or even reducing the amount of time you spend with them. Bosses, co-workers and some family members may come to mind. Here are some thoughts to minimize their impact:
1) The simple fact you recognize them for what they are—a Drainer—will help you deal with them better. You’ll be less likely to let their words sink in unfiltered. You’ll begin to find their negativity tends to bounce off you versus glob onto you for the rest of the day.
2) If your co-workers and bosses completely drain you, this is probably an indication that the place you work is not right for you. Most places have inherent cultures typically set from the top down. Make a goal to find a work environment that better fits, one that leaves you energized after the work day because the culture and people are optimistic and believe in a common goal.
3) As for family, this is a tougher one. The first bullet applies, but I’ve learned over the years that most family members will respect your requests to support and nurture your dreams, if you ask. Many family members don’t realize they may be undermining you because their comments often come from a place where they don’t want to see you hurt or fail. They think they are helping you when saying such things. Once you let them know these types of statements do not help at all, they are more aware and will should earnestly try to support you. But if they don’t respect your request for support? Then seriously examine your relationship with them and whether you want to continue it. Your true family in this world are the people who nurture and support you, whether they are blood or not. Think about it. Of course, this advice may work with some drainer-friends as well. Just don’t spend too much time trying to change them if they are incapable of it. There are too many sustainers in this world who are eager and ready to support you for who you are. You simply need to seek them out. They are your tribe.
Who sustains you in your life? Who drains you? Download my Sustain vs. Drain chart to help you figure it out.
After you know where the people fall in your , vow to spend more time with those who sustain you. As for those who drain you, let them drain someone else. Don’t worry about them because misery loves company. They’ll easily find others to hang around. You, however, will find a weight lifted so you can focus on what really matters: moving toward the life you are meant to live.
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How true, David.
Chris,
Great Post and fresh look at an old truth. There is a famous quote credited to different people, but it says "Where you will be in five years is determined by the books you read and the PEOPLE YOU ASSOCIATE WITH."
So good to see you on the site, Lisa. Glad you liked the crepes and would love to see you when in Cleveland next. I hadn’t thought of someone being grandfathered in, but it makes sense. At least you are aware that she drains you so that knowledge probably lessens the impact.
We have spoken about this many times. It is just so true that the road to being happy is to surround yourself with positive people. I am glad that you have put this in writing so that I can forward it to friends and family.
Thanks!!
I really related to this. I have a childhood friend who thoroughly drains me. Everyone always asks why I am still friends with her. My answer is always the same. She’s grandfathered in. I will try to remember that I am in charge of who will drain or sustain me. My father wakes up every morning of his 80 plus years determined to be happy that day. I have asked him how he manages to sustain that attitude in spite of all the tragedies he has endured. His answer is, I can’t control what happens to me just how I respond. Ron and I really enjoyed spending time with you and Susan and yes we did indulge in the crepes. Delicious! We would love to see you when you are in Cleveland.
Thanks, Dena. Good insight. I’m sure many of us drain people close to us when we really want to sustain them. Being mindful of this goes a long way toward nurturing those relationships we want to keep.
The flip side to this post is we must each ask ourselves, "Am I a sustainer or drainer for people in my life?" I can think of a few people that I’m probably a drain on–with good intentions, but still a drainer. Thanks for a provacative post.
It has become a mental reflex to distance myself from persons, family included, who I feel do not affect me in a positive way. It is not really an issue, just a given. Why waste time on the negative. One of the joys I experience in dealing with tourists from all over the world is the feedback I get when you approach people with friendliness and kindness. It works wonders, regardless whether you deal with muslims, christians, hindus or people from other denominations. This may not be pertinent to this post, but I want to share a positive experience that I frequently have at Schiphol airport.
Frequently I run into a maintenance man, originally from Turkey. Everytime we encounter there is this warm " hey, how are you", and this with a big smile. It is one of these small experiences that contribute to having a good day. People contact, enjoy the positive; ignore the negative and allocate it to the recycle bin.
Mexico Ron! Thanks for dropping in! It’s grand to hear you found the piece worthy enough to pass along to your kids. Enjoyed our time with you and Lisa in Mexico. Good luck with your business and I’ll look you up when I’m in Cleveland.
Always good to have you here, Carol. I’m certain you sustain many people. Looking forward to reading your piece in the Chicken Soup book.
Christopher,
Great message.
I am passing your writings on to my children. I have tried to convey this message to them…
however you do it much more eloquently.
Mexico Ron
Dear Sustainer:
Thanks for writing these words of wisdom. I feel motivated on three fronts. I want to increase my time with Sustainers—like you—decrease my time with Drainers—and yep, they do exist—and make sure that I become a Consistent Sustainer in the lives of all those I encounter. Thanks again for sharing this message. Carol
Thanks for the kind words, DB. You are a 100% correct that we should think about how we make others feel. I think about that often, and I always try to encourage others to charge hard toward what they really want in life.
Clear Skies,
Christopher
Sustain or drain got me thinking of a piece I read a few years ago…"Packing Your Parachute" or something like that. I received it from my Uncle and loved it. I like that you have taken that sentiment and turned it into a self-help suggestion. It’s also a good reminder to think about how others see us and how we leave others feeling. There’s a guy in my building who always leaves me feeling great. Whenever I see him and ask him how he is doing he replies with a big smile that he’s fantastic and every day is a holiday! He’s not being facetious either and I look forward to our next pass in the hallway. Also looking forward to your next blog….Thanks Christopher!