I found myself immersed in a sea of people last week, adrift in the ebb and flow of humanity at O’Hare Airport after I arrived in Chicago. Sometimes it felt as if I was swimming against a current, a riptide of passengers intent on sweeping me the wrong direction.
As I eased through the waves of people in the concourse, I noticed that no one seemed to make eye contact with anyone else. It seems we humans as a group can weave through streams of people pressing from the opposite direction, but we can’t look each other in the eyes.
Why is this?
I’m guilty of it too, adhering to some unspoken societal norm, an unwritten code that we must avert our eyes when we meet others, especially amidst a throng of people.
Is it because it’s too much work to make eye contact and smile at so many people? I suppose I can understand that behavior when large numbers are present, but the problem is, it happens in small groups too. I’ve been in retail stores, with only three or four shoppers around and it’s as if we’re all invisible to each other, as if each individual is the lone person in the locale. Somehow, we are only visible to the store workers, and they ignore sometimes as well.
What are the rules? When is it okay to acknowledge others in this world when you are somewhere you don’t know anyone? I think there is a formula to it. As the number of people in a particular location goes up, the smaller the radius around us becomes before we’ll acknowledge a person that slips within that radius. For example, if two people pass each other by 40 feet on a beach at 6 a.m. when no other people are around, they most likely will acknowledge each other and smile. But pack that beach with 100 people walking the sand later in the day and those same two people will probably not make eye contact and smile even if they pass within 5 feet. I’m sure we are seeing each other; we just pretend we don’t.
Again, what’s going on here? What drives this behavior?
I think I know…at least part of the reason.
Many of us are afraid of each other. I don’t mean that we’re afraid the others will hurt us, but rather, if we attempt to make eye contact, if we smile at that other person and they don’t smile back, they don’t acknowledge our existence, then we feel hurt. We feel rejected. At best, we’ll be ignored and at worst, be thought a weirdo.
That’s what it’s truly about, I believe. Protecting ourselves. If a person doesn’t return the smile, then it’s easy to analyze ourselves, to believe we are not worthy or lovable or cool. But the irony is, it has nothing to do with us. If someone doesn’t return a smile, then they are the one with the issue, whether it’s insecurity, or preoccupation, or sadness, or maybe they are just not a nice person. But are those good reasons to not make the effort, to not acknowledge our fellow human and smile at them?
I don’t think so.
So when I returned to O’Hare for my flight home, I decided to try an experiment. I planned to smile at as many people as possible. Let them think me a weirdo for smiling if they wanted. What did I care? Humanity was at stake here. Maybe I could singlehandedly reverse this insidious trend of pretending each other doesn’t exist. Perhaps smiling at people would make them smile at others and we’d get a smile wave emanating outward in vast ripples from the epicenter of O’Hare.
To be honest, I was a bit nervous. I braced for rejection, for the distinct possibility no one would return a smile, or even care.
I was wrong.
As I smiled at the stream of people moving toward me, many faces in the crowd shifted from stern to sunny. Eyes twinkled. Smiles bounced back at me. Yes, some people had heads down or eyes locked on some point behind me, but more people smiled than I would have ever guessed. And there was a pleasant side effect. Anyone who caught my smile to them, tried a little harder to move out of my way, to offer a small, but well-meant concession of their space in the concourse walkway. I moved much easier through the crowds this time.
But then I wondered… I wondered if the issue had perhaps been with me the whole time? Could my face have been stuck in sour mode? Had I looked stern and un-smile-worthy to others? Had I needed to change my inside expression to affect the outside expression in order to view a different world, one where people did acknowledge and smile at each other? Is it possible that the world is only a reflection of what we are experiencing inside? I’ve decided to ditch the exercise as an experiment and change it to full-time habit. It’s amazing how many smiling people are in this world now.
You’ve probably heard the phrase, “Laugh, and the world laughs with you.” But it works for smiling too. The next time you are in a crowd or passing people on the sidewalk, fight the urge to ignore them. Become a Smile Giver instead. I promise you will be surprised at how many you get back.
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This post almost ended with that last sentence. But there was something I forgot, an old event in my life that didn’t enter my mind until this post was complete.
I’ve read before that everything we need to know to be happy is already inside of us, that we already know it… we just need reminders sometimes. It must be true. We must need constant reminders because I’ve learned this post’s entire lesson before, over 20 years ago. And yesterday, a memory popped into my head, one I haven’t thought about in a couple of years.
Like the sea of humanity I was in last week at O’Hare, there was another sea I found myself in almost 21 years ago: the Black Sea. I’d just turned 21 in the middle of that huge expanse of water, a sailor in the US Navy. My ship, the USS Peterson, was tracking a new Soviet aircraft carrier, gathering intelligence as it performed its own operations in the area. At the time, the cold war was still on and the Berlin wall had yet to fall. Communism reigned in the Soviet Union and Reagan had proclaimed it the “Evil Empire.”
We spent several days testing how close we could get to the ship, until one point our vessel made a run at the Soviet carrier, slipping as close as possible to take photos. Over forty members of our crew had gathered on the port side to see the Soviet ship up close. But there was tension among us, fear of what might happen. As we pulled alongside, we were shocked to see a large group of their crew had done the same.
We watched them, their wide eyes mirroring our own. I remember thinking, “They’re a bunch of kids, just like us.” I suppose I had expected a crew of crusty old men who looked more like pirates than the young boys across from us. The Soviet carrier’s surface-to-surface guns whirred to life, the huge barrels turning toward our ship, their country sending a “hello” to ours.
Our ship began to veer away. As it did, one of our youngest sailors, an eighteen-year-old from the mid-west, inched his hand upward and gave a small wave. All the Russians, every single one, began leaping up and down, smiling, cheering, waving wildly to us. Our group erupted in a return cheer, smiles on every face, arms slicing back and forth through the air until the two ships were so far apart the groups could barely see one another.
As we sailed away, I realized our concerns had been vapor. Our leaders had convinced us that Russians were bad people, the enemy. But it was an erroneous perception. Perhaps their government was not good at the time, but the majority of its people weren’t. They almost never are.
But even over here in the US, when we are supposed to be on the same side, the same soil, I still think most of us are afraid of each other. But we wouldn’t be… not if we’d all just wave and smile at each other a little more.
Robert, Nice saying. I don’t think I’ve heard that before. I will refer back to it now, I’m sure. Thanks.
Andy, Yes, I do think that is a worldwide thing, although I would hope that over time, as we mature as a civilization, that there are less and less "not so nice" people. Most of that behavior is based in fear anyway.
David, Thanks for visiting. Good luck with the new website.
Great post Chris. Reminds me of a chapter in Dale Carnegie’s "How to win friends..". It is amazing what happens to our perspective when we choose to smile.
Very nice, Chris. I agree all the way. I’m a natural looker and smiler. I often feel like I’m being a little creepy…but it starts conversations more times than not…and I learn something from every single person I talk to. (Sometimes things I ‘d rather not know.) Maybe you just turned the tide…saved humanity. I think you’re a part of it anyway. (I was in Russia 3 years ago this August. The best bunch of people you’d ever want to meet. Most of them were. Some were not so nice…but that is clearly a worldwide thing.)
AK
I’ve heard a radio announcer give this tag line daily before signing out, "If you see someone without a smile, give ’em one of yours." I’ll try it sometime because I can’t keep all these smiles to myself. Thank you for the great post, Chris.
Thanks, Chris and I hope you’ll do the very same! http://www.hollydietor.blogspot.com
DB, I think certain things like boating and motorcycling have a built-in mechanism that allows the participants to know they have something in common, which encourages them to be more friendly, recognizing a kindred spirit. Aviation is that way as well, although you hope not to get close enough to another plane where you can see them waving at you.
PP, Yes, let’s hope it’s not in a creepy way. 🙂 Glad you liked the post.
Holly, Welcome. Glad you found the blog and enjoyed it. Thanks so much for sharing that experience. I have wondered on several occasions if there were any repercussions for the Russian sailors after they waved so enthusiastically at us. I enjoyed your comment about the threads. I had an email discussion with a new friend a few days ago about that very thing. I do hope you’ll come back to visit the site.
Mom, Enjoy your trip and Happy Early Mother’s Day!
Great post Chris!! I try to look people in the eyes, and give them a smile!! It does work, and you are so right – we always speak to people walking on the beach, but it sometimes it is a different story when around large groups, I will try my smile on at the airport Friday.
I found your site through network blogs; it came up as one similiar to mine, and I very much enjoyed your post…
As I read it, I couldn’t help thinking about something I wanted to leave in response. And when I got to the additional bit you added, well, I knew I had to respond. You see, I spent a month teaching at a university in St. Petersburg, and I found that the Russians often seemed surprised to see me looking so closely at everyone and everything I saw. It was all so very wonderful and fascinating. And, I’m a smile giver and an eye contact sorta’ spirit.
I asked one of my colleagues if I was imagining that some people seemed unsettled by my smiles and stares…she said, "We Russians don’t look at each other. It’s getting better, but it comes from so many years of living in fear. You never knew if someone was going to send the KGB to your house because of one offense or slight. So we learned to not look…to not see."
Then she continued, "But, you Americans, you walk with you shoulders back and your heads up. You look at everything and everyone as though it is the way things should be. It is one of the wonderful things about your people. And the wonderful way you live life in America."
I will never forget that. We forget that we can look at others without fear. We simply need to remember that we are all threads of a Source larger than we. More loving. More whole. And, I will try to be the face of that Source for everyone I encounter. Because it is my birthright to smile and be curious about every Human Being I encounter. The Russians are a kind and generous people who have survived a great deal. And, I’m glad you had the opportunity to experience them, too. At the end of any day, we are, all of us, simply Human Beings doing the best we know how to do. Our enemies are made for us; not by us. When we can look each other in the eyes, we recognize our common bonds.
I very much enjoyed reading your post, Chris! I’ll be back.
Holly
Great post! I’ve actually noticed this myself. When I smile at others, I almost always get positive feedback. When I don’t smile and go along pretending I don’t see anyone around me, I don’t seem to receive any smiles. I completely agree — smile and the world smiles with you.
Thanks for sharing that great side story at the end of the post. It was really interesting to read and it tied in so nicely with your post.
I wonder what the world would be like if everyone read this post and learned to walk around smiling (but not in a creepy way, haha)…I think we’d all be a LOT happier.
I agree with Lo, the addendum really added a nice touch. If a small wave from the deck of one ship can evoke such emotion on another, a few extra smiles at the airport and elsewhere should go a long way. I too will do my part.
Interesting though, there is a different unwritten code or phenomena that takes place on the water…..much more waving going on in general. I frequent the Intracoastal Waterway and would guess that more than half the boats that pass offer a wave. Maybe it’s just tradition or atmosphere and frame of mind. I wonder if there were hundreds of boats passing each other in close quarters, if there would be as much waving going on? I’m guessing probably not and maybe a few single digit salutes to boot. Anyway, I have digressed and hate it when I do that….This was wonderful Christopher, thank you (-:
Lo, Good to see that others are doing the same thing. I think half is a pretty good response rate, more than I might have expected from the experiment. My wife and I had a discussion when I showed her the post as to whether it was really fear of rejection or just preoccupation. I know preoccupation is a huge part of the equation, but I see it as another form of fear of rejection. Many of us will allow ourselves to become consumed with our internal thoughts, our worries and doubts, as a way to avoid our real business of living in the present and interacting with the real people around us, those who have something to teach us
I’m also glad you liked the addendum. It almost didn’t make it in.
Delicate Flower, Thanks for the twist on the idea. I am going to incorporate it and try a little harder to make eye contact with those that are very different from me. I’ve always done it naturally in social situations where it’s easier to meet people. I have friends from all walks of life because I really do value diversity. It helps me grow as a person.
Ged, I remember that time and it was part of what made me want to try it again, but smiling this time. Yes, we probably looked too stern, even though we were just trying to make eye contact. Smiling would have been much better.
Chris,
Do you remember when you showed me the staring test at Midway airport on our way back from the Oshkosh air show? We walked straight ahead and made eye contact with the people walking towards us. Each person quickly moved out of our way. It was almost as if they were uncomfortable. We never SMILED. In fact, we looked stern.
Next time, I’ll try smiling. I bet the results will be different.
Great article– Thanks for the positive outlook,
Ged
Making eye contact has been a conscious effort for a few years now. I particularly try to make contact with people who are very different from me, pushing my comfort level a little. And whenever I engage and get a returned smile or a ‘hello’ I feel so much lighter. It is a wonderful practice, thank you for sharing it so eloquently.
The addendum to your story is so beautiful. What a lovely and positive experience you shared – thank you, it brought a smile to the start my day.
I think you would find that many of us have had our own little smile tests. A few years back I did one here at the beach and didn’t have such a great result. I sat on the side of the bike path and said, "Hello", or "Good Morning" to all the people that passed, with a big smile attached and a touch of sunshine in my voice. About half the people responded, and I was a little disappointed. Then…on a snow ski trip I tried it again and nearly everyone responded. I tried to figure out what made the difference. My conclusion was…that the people on the bike path were either engaged in conversation or lost in their thoughts and didn’t welcome the interruption, while the people at the ski resort were blissful, and happy and had set aside all the junk in their head that normally occupy their busy lives to thoroughly enjoy their time away to play. Whether or not there is any value on my conclusions, I’ll never know, but it was fun.
I do think that the "fear of rejection" is one of the primary reasons people don’t engage more with others. It’s unfortunate, but seems to be a quirk of human nature.
Great post…thanks. Aisles of smiles……………………